What is a relationship year review? Why you should try it
For many, the end of the year is a time of reflection – a time to look back on personal and professional goals and to set new ones. But what about your relationships? While annual performance reviews have become ubiquitous in workplaces, experts argue that we should give our relationships the same level of attention and care.
“We have these apps that show us our year in review, and it’s important to do that in our relationships,” says Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, a Los Angeles-based licensed clinical social worker and wellness contributor for The Knot. “It’s so easy to go on autopilot and just focus on getting through the day and making sure we’re ready for the next day. That’s where we start to lose the essence and nuance of what makes a relationship a relationship, which is connection.”
Having “emotional heart checkups” for the health of our relationships is not unlike our regular doctor and dentist checkups, she continues. “We’re constantly evolving, and we’re not the person we were yesterday,” she says. “So there is a need to address these conversations with our partners to recognize that we are growing individually and collectively.”
Before taking the time to review the highs and lows of the year with your partner, Mancao encourages people to spend some time reflecting on themselves.
“Often during these conversations, we constantly focus on the other person — what the other person can do better, what the other person is doing wrong — to make us feel better,” she says. “But we have to [reflect] internally and ask us some tough questions.”
These questions could include:
- How do I feel about the way things are going?
- What things in the relationship do I need to see more of?
- What things in the relationship do I need to see less of?
- Are there things I can change about myself to improve my happiness in the relationship?
- What things can I share?
- What things do I need to focus on?
- How does this relationship support my personal growth?
- Do I need anything from my partner to feel supported in my own growth?
Mancao also suggests examining your own emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical needs and asking yourself how satisfied you are in each category.
“It’s not your partner’s job to fill those buckets,” she says. “It is also your job to fill your buckets.”
After your self-assessment, bring your partner in
It can be helpful to first explain to your partner why this exercise is important to you and how it can benefit you as a couple.
“People tend to invest more in something when they understand what it means to them. If you can identify and communicate your why, that would be really helpful to get the proposal out there,” Mancao says. “They want to be able to share it from perspective too [that] this is for us so we can grow together, so we can heal together and we can have more happiness in our relationship.”
Consider asking your partner:
- How do you like our quality time?
- What has been the best part of our relationship over the past year?
- What has been the most difficult part of our relationship over the past year?
The need to check in is especially important for parents.
“With additional responsibility comes additional mental burden, and with children, the mental burden increases dramatically,” says Mancao. “It’s less about who washed the bottles and who put the baby to bed and more about what’s invisible, like who does the planning? Who makes the shopping list and organizes the babysitter? The mental burden is less concrete but takes up so much emotional bandwidth.”
Those conversations can be difficult if you or your partner tend to switch off, especially if you grew up in a home where there wasn’t much communication, she adds. To counteract this tendency, she suggests writing what you want to say in a notebook and bringing your notes to the interview.
Keep checking back regularly
After doing your annual review for the past year, Mancao encourages couples to make these check-ins a more regular habit, perhaps starting with monthly reviews.
“It’s more than the checkups you have over dinner or when you find time together at the end of the day; This is a very intentional sit-down where you start to get to know each other again, where you take the time to be with each other, feel each other’s pain and joy, and come out fully for your partner,” she said says.
As with your yearly reviews at work, be mindful of when you plan your relationship review and be intentionally careful about how you show up. Mancao recommends avoiding having the conversation in bed or before bed, and planning it ahead of time—allowing yourself adequate time before, during, and after to prepare, discuss, and process.
“It’s a meeting, just like a work meeting, but that doesn’t make it any less sexy,” she says. “It’s really nice when you can make time for each other.”
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