The jealousy between couples working from home is real

Then the pandemic showed her an alternative way of working — one she couldn’t partake in. And she was jealous.

Long, 37, lives with her boyfriend, who works as a vice president at a Mississippi-based company that supplies lighting equipment. When the pandemic hit, he joined the millions of Americans who started businesses and started working from home. Long, a residential and commercial project manager, used to have to get up at 5:30 a.m. to go to the office — and after a while, jealousy crept in.

She recently posted in a private Facebook group asking if someone who works in an office 9am to 5pm five days a week is jealous of their spouse, partner or friends who work from home. More than 50 people replied.

“Insanely jealous of the time they have to exercise, travel, housework – how much happier they seem to be in general,” she wrote. “Super petty. I’m happy for them but it’s kind of a rift with my boyfriend.”

Recently, underlying tensions have started to surface, Long says Wealth, and she and her boyfriend started arguing about it. Long oversees both remodeling and new construction projects — something she wouldn’t be able to fully complete while working from home, she admits. Meanwhile, her boyfriend’s company found that their employees were more productive when they worked from home. And her boyfriend’s new remote work schedule gave him a lot more free time to do whatever he wants.

“I call him when I’m having a terrible day [at work], and he’s getting ready to play golf for the third time,” she says. “It makes you angry.”

There were days when she came home, she says, and there were so many chores to get done — cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping — and no time to relax.

“I would say, ‘You could have done that all day.’ It just kind of irritated me,” says Long.

Since sharing her story on the Facebook group, she says, they have spoken about the jealousy she felt over his WFH situation and the tensions that have grown between them. They also talked about their new dynamic: Being home allowed him to take on more domestic responsibilities.

“He got it,” she says, and he tackles more. “And he still has time to play golf.”

The jealousy Long felt is pretty common, especially in this new era of working from home, where more people than ever have the opportunity to get their jobs done remotely. Though “envy” might be a better description of how Long feels, says Michelle Tangeman, a marriage and family therapist and board-certified behavior analyst.

“Envy in particular can lead to resentment,” says Tangeman.

When it really counts, housework and the like are nothing more than substitutes for the perceived work-life balance that comes with the ability to work from home. Long is really jealous of that.

The question to ask yourself, says Tangeman, is whether you’re jealous of your partner’s job because it takes away your household chores, or jealous that your partner can work from home and you can Feeling like they have it easier and having flexibility and work-life balance, says Tangman.

“They just look happier and healthier,” Long says of people who work from home. “But maybe I have a different understanding of people working from home. Maybe people actually work harder because there’s an expectation that they can do it right away just by lying on their couch?”

These are questions to consider when dealing with WFH envy. And if it feels like the person who works from home has more free time since they no longer have to commute, this is a good opportunity to talk about a reallocation of household responsibilities.

Emily Weir, 32, of Tampa, Fla., refers to Long’s envy of the freedom and flexibility of working from home. In reply to Long’s post, she said she tries to remember the perks of going to the office: the opportunity to socialize and a little bit of separation so she and her partner don’t have to be at every moment spend together.

“There’s definitely envy just because I have to get dressed and put on business attire, and [my husband] doesn’t even have to turn on his camera,” says Weir, who works for a nonprofit wealth. “It definitely got me thinking about finding another job. It’s hard not to see the benefits in your situation.”

More than just having to be “assembled” and “on” in the office, there’s also the energy it all takes and how tired Weir is by the end of the week. On Fridays she says she is exhausted while her web designer husband is ready to go out, have a drink, have dinner with her friends as soon as she gets home.

Hannah McCarthy, 26, who lives in Brooklyn, enjoyed the time during the pandemic when her PR job was removed, but when they went hybrid — though still zooming in from their individual desks due to COVID restrictions — she said she did was “so jealous”. about her boyfriend’s homework that she got a new job.

“If we took something away from the pandemic, it’s that we need more flexibility,” she says. “I was worried on Sunday planning the week, laying out clothes and he wakes up at 8:30 on Monday and just goes to the other room and can start his week relaxed. I’ve also just realized that it has allowed him to show up better in other parts of his life.”

However, her jealousy was accompanied by feelings of guilt, she says. Because he was working from home, many of these domestic duties fell to him because he had more time to do them. When McCarthy found a new job and started working from home, she and her boyfriend redefined their chores once again.

While Long doesn’t think working from home will ever be an option for her, she struggles with the idea of ​​a better work-life balance.

“I think everyone’s experience has been, ‘Oh, it doesn’t have to be like that. I can do my job without crying. I don’t need to stress myself like that,’” says Long. “There’s a kind of cultural unification that if you work hard you get things you deserve… We feel like if we just keep working hard, someone will notice, but no, not really. That’s not how we’re evaluated in our job performance anymore, so we’re starting to see that change.”