6 ways to get over the first breakup after divorce
Divorce is on the rise: for people aged 20 and over, about 34% of married women and 33% of married men separate from their spouse. But while there’s plenty of talk about the heartache that comes from a marriage falling apart, the difficulty of the first breakup after Divorce often goes unexplored.
“Research on how grief is processed in the brain explains the various physiological changes that occur when we experience a loss – whether it’s through death or divorce or some other form of separation. In the case of unresolved grief after a divorce, a subsequent separation can reactivate the initial unresolved grief,” explains Aurisha Smolarski, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. Unresolved grief from your divorce can disrupt your current relationship. And so the end of your new partnership can feel like a double loss. “You can go through denial, sadness, anger, guilt, fear and shame,” Smolarski adds.
Michelle, a Boston resident who asked to be identified by her first name to protect her privacy, has experienced this particular kind of heartbreak firsthand. “When I finally got out of marriage, I was looking for my first serious relationship after divorce to be an affirmation that my son and I would be worth ending my marriage and moving on on our own…that’s what I dreamed of.” Brady Bunch scenario, and then the difficult decision I had made would turn out to be worthwhile,” she says. But things didn’t go quite as she had hoped. Her son didn’t get along well with her new boyfriend’s children, and eventually the couple decided to end things. “After a divorce, people may have a better understanding of what they’re looking for in a partner, but the baggage can make it harder to be successful in a relationship,” she says.
According to Savannah Miller, licensed clinical social worker and senior manager of therapy services at Headspace Health, that baggage comes in the form of two internal narratives: “I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again” and “I don’t trust myself to love anymore.” in the most supportive of divorces, there’s a sense of loss of the dream you created with your partner, the romantic relationship, and the realization that even with the best of intentions, not all marriages can be successful,” says Miller. So when the breakup happens, it can feel like all your worries are completely justified — and the cycle continues.
Or maybe you no longer trust yourself to be loved, and that feeling trickles down into your next breakup. “[A] The first post-divorce heartbreak can feel like an inner “I told you so” moment,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Emily Simonian, director of clinical learning at counseling platform Thriveworks. “They may be inundated with negative beliefs about themselves or relationships — beliefs that they have worked hard to disprove only to feel that their fears have been recognized.”
To eliminate those damaging (but perfectly normal) feelings you may have after your first post-divorce breakup, it’s important to prioritize your healing before you “get back out of it.” Below, experts offer their best advice for taking care of your well-being.
1. Rely on your people (including a therapist)
If you have the financial resources and time to attend family therapy, you should make it a priority. However, if this is simply not an option for you, contact your network for assistance. “Whether or not you decide to try therapy, this is an important time to turn to supportive friends and family,” Smolarski says. “If you have kids, schedule some playdates or ask a babysitter or family member to babysit your kids so you can go out with a friend and have time to vent, cry and get some much-needed hugs.” .”
2. Participate in activities that you enjoyed before your breakup
Smolarski is also a big proponent of going back to the things that make you happy, regardless of your relationship status. “It can be hiking, camping, dancing, yoga, drawing, making music or painting. Whatever it is, do it. You want those endorphins to be activated in your brain,” she says.
3. Try to find objective ways to see what happened
“It’s too easy to become self-critical or feel rejected, but there’s usually another way of seeing a subjective reality. For example: Just because it didn’t work out [that person] doesn’t mean I’m not lovable / won’t find someone better suited to me‘ says Simonian. You can also try writing these truths down – and come back to them when your inner critic gets too vocal.
4. Carefully curate the media you consume
During this time, you should be extra careful about what content makes it into your brain. For example, if your social media feed is a trap for comparing yourself to others, Smolarski recommends putting Instagram and TikTok on hold (for now).
Your newfound free time will be free for self-improvement podcasts and other forms of media that you genuinely enjoy—something Miller is happy to recommend to her clients. Does that mean you’re watching? The Great British Baking Show or listen to an entire season of Brené Brown’s podcast, your sanity will thank you.
5. Create routines that give you a sense of stability
Whether it’s practicing mindfulness, journaling, or taking a walk every day on your lunch break, Smolarski is a big fan of creating a new habit that will be a steady, unwavering force in your life. This gives you a sense of consistency at a time when things feel like they’ve gone haywire.
6. Remember that there is still a chance for love – if you want it
“In July 2020 I finally met a new man who I am still with. He’s a great person and our relationship is going great,” says Michelle. “The jury is still out, but I’ve gone on to a much better place beyond the breakup.” Keep taking care of yourself — and you’ll keep moving too.
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